Wednesday 17th December 2008 (p4378)

I went to London for an Esio Trot gig at the Betsey Trotwood in London. Wrote the below entry in a café before the gig.

Tuesday 9th - Tuesday 16th December 2008 (no pages written)

All but given up here but wasn't really giving up because I felt I had written what I wanted to write. She went back to Iceland for a little while. I watched snooker, enjoyed the freedom.

Monday 8th December 2008 (pp4376-7)

I do vaguely remember writing this poem late at night on the sofa on which I was to sleep. It's meant to be about the girl with whom the island man is embroiled.

Sunday 7th December 2008 (no pages written)

I sit and try and remember these times, what I would have been doing on the 7th December 2008. It's an impossible task most of the time, so I try to remember something about that general time and it can be like staring into a dark house.

I used to do cryptic crosswords. I used to stare at them for hours rarely solving any clues, whilst she watched TV.

Saturday 6th December 2008 (p4375)

'Very busy and stressed and depressed at the moment.' That's sad. Maybe it would have helped to continue writing.

Thursday 4th - Friday 5th December 2008 (no pages written)

For a few years I didn't have internet, then around this time I got it again. Can you imagine not having internet? What a smaller world it would be.

Wednesday 3rd December 2008 (pp4373-4)

By now certainly I didn't mind that I was slipping further and further behind. And it was such a relief. After a year and a half of forcing myself to write, of feeling guilty when I didn't write enough, it was a divine gift to have that burden lifted. I thought that maybe having the pressure lifted like that would inspire a time of great productivity.

Tuesday 2nd December 2008 (pp4368-72)

I don't know whether I was aware that the story was drawing to an end. The narrative certainly seems to have an air of conclusion about it.

Monday 1st December 2008 (pp4364-7)

Did we have advent calendars? My mum usually brought me one. I don't remember seeing her very often around this time. We didn't have a Christmas tree.

Sunday 30th November 2008 (pp4360-3)

There was the feeling that the task had run its course, that I couldn't do it anymore. For her sake? Because I wasn't able to spend enough time with her? Perhaps. But also for the sake of the book; it wasn't productive anymore; I wanted to actually put together a good final book and I couldn't do that when I was forcing myself to write something, anything every day, when I couldn't ever go back over what I had written.

Thursday 27th - Saturday 29th November 2008 (no pages written)

I think it was on this Saturday that I expressed excitement at the coming of Christmas. I had been into town and there were decorations in the shops, etc. and I got home and had all these childlike feelings bubbling over and she just scorned it all, just poured wilful scorn over it all and we spent the day in argument. Couldn't bring myself to write anything evidently. Three days of no writing was probably the longest stretch of no writing at that point. Can't remember how I felt about it. Resigned, content or self-hating?