Saturday 18th October 2008 (pp4091-2)

2 pages of complaining.

Friday 17th October 2008 (no pages written)

Had a rare Friday off today for an Esio Trot gig in London. My girlfriend came with me. I think we went to somewhere like Hoxton or Brick Lane first, to an art gallery or clothes shop. We argued, predictably. Went to the gig in Stoke Newington in silence and hardly spoke the whole evening, indeed I hardly spoke to anyone. It wasn't much fun.

Thursday 16th October 2008 (p4090)

It pertains to existence that every moment you could have made a different choice, that you could have made a radically different choice that would have brought you closer to where you want to be, that you are the sum total of all the choices you make. 

Wednesday 15th October 2008 (pp4080-9)

I used to write with confidence. I didn't care what other people might think of it because it was what I wanted to write and it was true to my vision. Now I have changed. I drive myself into a hole with the fear that what I am writing will not be good enough.

Tuesday 14th October 2008 (pp4078-9)

Couldn't quite grab hold of the story as an expressive outlet straight away even though it was so well formed for that purpose. Many factors involved.

Monday 13th October 2008 (pp4075-7)

All I wanted to do was watch the snooker. But she didn't understand this. I once unplugged the television and took it into the bedroom. I once put the snooker on too soon after sex; apparently there should be a sustained period of quiet contemplation, of basking in the afterglow, uninterrupted by snooker.

Sunday 12th October 2008 (pp4072-4)

I'm a bit disappointed at how crumpled all these pages are looking. I haven't noticed until now. Maybe I need to use a heavy book on top of the notebook when I scan again.